Among the topics that cropped up during the thirty or so minutes I spent on the phone was about my recent bitter writings. That wasn’t the main purpose of the call, but it took up most of the half-hour conversation. A barrage of wh- questions, a rough analysis, and a promise to dissect things further at a later time after we have said goodbye.
I got home, and began thinking of what we had talked about earlier in the day. I wonder how many people know me? I know that I can be in your face, that I toss cuss words around a lot, that I can be overtly sensitive when I shouldn’t be, that I can be loud at unnecessary times, et cetera et cetera.
But does that make me who I am?
Do you judge me, categorize me, consciously or unconsciously treat me based on the noise I make? Do you think that this is all I am?
Because I don’t choose to be quiet or as reserved with certain people I feel comfortable with, and I tell them a lot of things about what goes on in my life, I wonder if these people think that there is nothing left to me on another level. Sure, I can be more public about certain things that I go through or happen to me than you are willing to divulge, but I hope you do know that that’s not everything I’m made of. All those things barely cover the surface of what I feel and am. I understand that the persona I project might lead you to think that once I spill my guts about a certain something to you, you probably think that I have no secrets left, that my life has been ironed out and spread thinly out in front of you.
Well, of course you’re wrong to believe that.
I hoard secrets like it’s nobody’s damn business. I fucking well won’t let my life be pored over and studied by another person, hell no. Admittedly when I get sad and all weepy, or highly charged up with anger and frustration and what I’d like to think of as passion, I spit out those feelings like bullets from a gun.
The whole world, or almost the whole world, is able to know that I’m not a good place at that particular moment. I don’t hide a couple or more things well, but I am good at keeping hush on most things that happen in my life. Because of my ramblings about this and that and whatever that’s in between, I hate how certain people compartmentalize me along with the people who truly tell all to everyone. I’m nowhere near that, but alas, it’s in this manner which I’m viewed as many a time.
Perhaps you think that I run to the boyfriend or the close friends or to you, even, when I need to burst out and ‘feel better’. To a certain extent, I do tell these people about my personal going-on, but the amount that I tell them is far from a lot. Because no other human being knows the actual depth of the emotions I feel and each and every incident that has ever happened to me, I loathe the people who claim that they ‘know me’, when they don’t know a thing.
Don’t stereotype noisy people as public people.
A thought came to me earlier; it just might be that God gave me a cold demeanour and this aloof expression (as I have been told countless times by countless people) because only He knows how many things I keep under the surface of my skin, apart from myself. With friends, I can be and most likely am, the coarse one of the bunch.
My tongue can give a lashing too, but if you get used to me you would know that I find sharp words and sarcasm to be comedic. My humble opinion, you don’t have to bash me for it, but you are welcomed to disagree.
Anyway, my brief conversation yielded a name, and I have to honestly say that I was aghast at this person who jumped the gun and has taken it that I was upset with her in the past few days. She then, has taken in unto herself to quickly assemble a comeback, and she has made it public to boot.
My advice: don’t come to a hasty conclusion until you’re certain that a jab is aimed at you.
I was disappointed more than angry when I found out what she had to say about me, and what hurts me more is that she said all those condescending things only because she thought my rage-fuelled post or posts was/were about her. I was, and still am, terribly sad that we’ve come to such a pathetic point. We both stand in this invisible negative circle, and it righteously sucks. I really am saddened that she is thinking what she is thinking, and me being me, I have a little feisty anger inside me too. But I won’t entertain it this time, because I think, what’s the point? I could be a wee bit too soft and therefore be crazily wounded by what she had to say in regards to me, but I keep telling myself that this could be a foul-tasting coincidence too. She just might be referring to someone else, couldn’t she? Because the both of us didn’t drop names and all that shit. but I’m saying this only to soothe myself, and I’m more than pretty sure that I got my facts straight already.
Life is full of oopses, so it’s not entirely impossible for this to be another one of those hiccups. I trust her to strike up a conversation with me on a later date, or vice versa, and to talk about this. If she really thought that my bitter rants were about her, she should know then, that they weren’t. I would ask her too if she was referring to me in a negative light, and find out the truth. If we truly are friends and not just forgettable acquaintances, we would come forth about this matter and be civil about it. It’s not impossible that we just happen to be in the same room at this point in time, and that we won’t be in the same room at a later date as life goes on. (Edit: rooms, as in, metaphorical rooms, people. Please understand that here, literal is out the window. Thank you.)
But why harbour unnecessary bad moments, or hope that they’ll just pass us by? I find nothing wrong with bringing them to the table if need be, and talking about them over coffee. If this was a blah chapter and I foresee no serious impact from it, then I would brush it off. But it’s not. Read: it’s not.
The girl on the phone told me that my relationship with the person in question is comical in a way and exasperating in the rest, and I agree. When you do care about someone, you’re less afraid to hate them, because somewhere in you, you have the faith that when morning comes, everything will come whole again by unspoken natural means or spoken man-made ones.
Entry from Elly’s “I got a call this afternoon”, reformatted into subsection and without the E. E. Cummings’ lower case form. She writes in freestyle, without convention of ground rule, and that’s how her idea flows effortlessly.
I just discovered the freestyle method during my last writing seminar the past few days (even though the core course is technical writing). Yet, to lump it all into one textual paragraph isn’t that visually pleasing to the eyes – and its white font on black background is perceptibly traumatic. That colour scheme alone is enough to make anyone to balk from the blog, hence the format amendment.
Elly’s didn’t mean the diatribe for her friend, while I did vent it all out on the last post to a ‘friend’. While I did point out the most ridiculous statement out of context as sarcasm that comes with a little warning, that would make any sane myopic to get focused only to the selected idea.
The zeitgeist of the acerbic rancour is there only to express my bitterness, not to judge ‘her’. She should know better about my past, since she’s been a confidante for such a long time. The response to the selective idea is supposed to be ironic, but taken as being demonic.
I overlook her biological factor that might be the reason as the burning ember of animosity toward me. That cycle of crimson tempest evaded my thought at that time. For that I apologise.
Here’s for another admission of guilt after unanswered sms, e-mail and phone call – I’m sorry for going berserk over petty confusion. Although I must insist that mass-sms couldn’t induced massive hysteria especially when it only mention perishable goods, and the recipients is only among 3-4 person to even considered as a mass spam.
Check your house post-box in a week or two.
It’s not an apology gift. I already bought it a month ago.
Remember the 6 month hiatus from the terra-firma last year till January 2009? I won’t be spared from that ill-fated job (although handsomely paid with 5 figures cheque) this year too.
It’s for the 6th May anniversary – yeah, it’s the last one.
I won’t be there during your engagement. I’m not even there for you the last 6 month offshore and the last 6 month before I’m offshore.
We already drifted too far apart.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls…
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.
— Kahlil Gibran (1883–1931), Lebanese-born U.S. mystic, painter, and poet. The Prophet.