I bought a few bottle of homemade Baba Nyonya’s sambal udang at this restaurant near my office. They served authentic Portuguese dishes too — as far as I know, I never know much about Mediterranean cuisine.
I was hoping to give it to your mum this Tuesday. I never did visit your parent after I got back from offshore last December 2009. January and February were hectic too, as I’m outstation a lot (Singapore mostly). March seemed to be kind to me. Then again, I did try on that fateful December.
Reading your entry about your dad (chemotherapy for the nasopharyngeal cancer), ridden me with guilt — knowing that my absence for months being offshore was hard for you.
I was never there for you — to console and to hold you, to whisper that everything shall be alright.
It’s a void, ready to be filled.
I’m contemplating of visiting your dad, but after reading this entry — maybe I shouldn’t (and to bring a bottle of sambal udang would be astoundingly rude — because of the mouth ulcer).
Even if I did, I’ll be nothing more than an unwanted ghost of the past — and a phantom I should be.
…He has severe attachment issues. Coping mechanism simply do not operate on an adult level, it is as though in his own mind, he can’t get past age six……At the very least, you could appreciate his conviction, even when it doesn’t reflect your own……We can revel in our past glories, but to relive them is unnecessary……Bitterness and blind faith, with a shot of guilt for catalyst……I stopped being an observer and become a witness. I’ve got the evidence… now where’s the court?……After the first couple of kicks, you don’t feel any pain, just thing breaking inside. Battered by abomination……I’m cold, chilled to the marrow.
Is that you Garth Ennis? Jamie Delano?
You make John Constantine (Hellblazer) chokes my own pitiful mind.
Now, should I listen to my conscience or succumb to my ego?