Hic Sunt Dracones

the smylere with the knyf under the cloke

Distant Mirage

with 14 comments

Lately, I’ve been treating this space like a whirlpool of nostalgia, a wormhole of memories. I’m not sure why I’m siphoned into this maelstrom of fragmented gloom. All distant and “insignificant”.

Maybe it’s Ramadhan and Syawal.

Not to say that I detest the holy month. Religiously, it’s fulfilling. I’ve done my Puasa Enam today . Breaking fast at one place that I’m comfortable being alone (that served spicy Penang fares) after attending Student Power lecture by Fahmi Reza at KL & Selangor Chinese Assembly Hall. Digressing, the student movement nowadays are lacking in the “Mahasiswa Jurubicara Rakyat” spirit due to one thing. Apathy.

Apathy is what I associated with the holy month.

It happened last year when I’m offshore in Miri. It lasted for 3 months and it felt like 3 years. I’ve been working at almost the same oil field near the petroleum platform last 2 years — and even longer. For 6 months. With the only break in Bintulu and Labuan for ship repair and changing vessel.

It’s that 6 month offshore that foster the breaking up with the penultimate relationship, and that 6 month I form a new one with the previous relationship.

Heaven knows how hard it is to get connected with the terra-firma world when you’re living in the dead space of static telecommunication wave at the distant sea — except for UHF and VHF wave, and the pricier satellite phone like Iridium. I’ve known one Diving Supervisor who owned one, who called her lucky wife every 12 hours break. Being responsible for the 24 hours shift, that’s one luxury that I can’t engineered into the hectic schedule.

In those 24 hours shift, she managed to break through the vacuum of nonexistent communication with one phone call. And it was at Bintulu when the vessel anchored for one day for a quick crane repair. I called that destiny or maybe I’m just lucky.

She called in Ramadhan and it took me another 3-4 months after being offshore to finally meeting her. I’m patient back then.

I’ve known her for 3 years as a friend. 1 year as a fiancée to be.

Then it comes to another 3 months of offshore last year. The dreaded months that felt like years.

She called in Ramadhan and it took me another 2 months to meet her again. But it didn’t happen. She told me the relationship won’t work out. I keep my patience but only just.

I’ve been distant from her for a year now. Until last night, I just can’t keep the pain inside me compartmentalized no more, hidden and unassuming except for the discharging miasma.

I wrote. I wept.

It felt almost cathartic telling her how I kept the one year alive with her memories, how it kept me sane. Despite her replying that the past is where the past belongs and that she’s shaping a new future with someone else. It feel good to keep in touch with her again even if it’s semantically indifference.

It’s an emotional sincerity that had been repressed since last Ramadhan. The memories maybe far, but it’s not distant.

Melancholy is not something that I’m looking forward to, at that months. I can’t help it triggers the sentimental switch.

I hope there’s dead man’s switch for closure.

+++

I’m not being depressive and I’m not in mirthful condition either. Life is life.

I took the freedom purchasing a Kessler Crane time-lapse rig that cost me ten thousand and another ten thousand for a new MacBook Pro.

For the penultimate breakup I spent that same amount of money on full-frame camera body and prime lens with cinematography rig. If you’ve to know, it’s the 5DM2.

That money should be in the nuptial ceremony that didn’t happened.

Look how easy it is for one man to compensate a heartbreak with mere gadget? Not to mention, travelling.

Time lapse photography can be treated as meditation with its long exposure, long hours at the field and of course long hours of post-processing.

There’s a muse — a she-devil — who inspired me with the musical soundscapes with the trailing flare of bioluminescent fireflies.

There’s an eccentric graphic artist who speaks in puzzled that even the she-devil amused with the conundrum — of whom draws me close to the technicality of cinematic.

There’s a little scientist-poet who speaks of love and (korean -_-) songs and a little writer who purrs-cuckoo and writes wonderful prose that inspires a theme or two for the future time-lapsing.

Time-lapse, as space and time frozen in light sensitive sensor with a flick of a timed switch.

Now there’s a switch that I know how to turn on and off.

The intervalometer.

If there’s a thing called interval-love-meter?

That might be the perfect gadget for closure’s dead man’s switch.

+++

Oh, I’ve to add. Listening to The Helio Sequence – Lately doesn’t really help at all. In retrospect, I listened to it after I finished up this entry.

As for the song. Sweet, tragic irony.

Yeah, I wish.

Written by cthulhu

September 17, 2010 at 4:51 am

14 Responses

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  1. *hugs* long distance relationship is hard especially when you are at a place you can’t surface from. It demands an extraordinary amount of love, patience and faith.

    mangolisa

    September 24, 2010 at 4:49 am

    • I feel like a broken record but sometimes I’ve to purge this silly imp from my mellow system. Writing is cathartic.

      I’m glad you return to your writing, albeit on Typepad. Thank you for replying and registering on wordpress for that :)

      cthulhu

      September 27, 2010 at 7:32 am

  2. you’ll get better. you always do. there was no such thing as schadenfreude in this as you might like to think it is.

    evariel

    October 9, 2010 at 8:28 pm

    • It means a lot coming from you. Thank you for the vote of confidence *hugs*

      cthulhu

      October 11, 2010 at 1:57 pm

      • no prob. i always have time for you. *hugz* hope everything goes well in your life.

        evariel

        February 18, 2011 at 2:40 am

        • Currently life felt like having a piece of Peanut Butter Crème Brûlée & a sip of Caramel Macchiato with a group of friends called Mr. Sehnsucht & Ms. Wanderlust.

          I travel a lot nowadays. Getting a crowd of friends from networking with videography stuff. Yet, I still felt indifferent sometimes.

          Such is life.

          I still follow your deviantART. Glad you made it in the journalism world.

          cthulhu

          February 19, 2011 at 1:54 am

  3. alas! been refreshing this page like godknowswhat.

    er (you-know-who) ist nicht von miri, fyi.

    what’s with another headphone girl? i thought i was the only one..kidding :p

    travel? good la..know you have love for travelling.

    careful, indifference is an opposite to love. hate is not.

    DA? hobi time off-days. or fed up with work. or etc etc. danke for still following.

    come on panda, lepak inworld with me and we go crazy (despite the lag and disconnection) heck, we can even visit our old places if you want and such places still exist.

    heck, we can even meet up irl today if you want (you buying the coffee, of course). you know i’ll listen to your ranting and venting all time.

    evariel

    February 20, 2011 at 8:08 am

    • Ah, scheiße! It’s ok. It’s more dramatic that way. Not that they know about my blog. Called it literary license.

      I’ve been in SL once in a blue moon, but works tire me from venturing far. I’m usually around playing the surf board at my favourite island.

      Coffee? Sure for old-time sake. Try Artisan Roast Kuala Lumpur at Ampang. But the upcoming month I’ll be busy, 3 months straight! Funny thing is it’s not offshore but cinematography/time-lapse shooting for Astro.

      Hahaha, Panda. That girl with the headphone called herself kitteh. Now you know why I’m into her, not furry sex of course.

      Sorry for the delayed comment.

      cthulhu

      February 20, 2011 at 1:11 pm

      • o_O kitteh?

        =_+ i thought more like today around the curve or something.

        evariel

        February 20, 2011 at 6:16 pm

        • Maybe a term of self-endearment? Complete with purr and mew but not all the way throughout the conversation or passing inner-thought — only when it’s valid to be cute.

          She may sounds like fragile pussy cat, but a tough cook(ies) to swallow.

          Being in the culinary kitchen with the likes of Ramsey & Bourdain and long working hour, a little escapade is what the psychologist should recommended.

          What’s around the curve?

          cthulhu

          February 20, 2011 at 9:28 pm

          • The Curve, mutiara damansara. cannot help it since i do type in lowercase…

            hope she’s not early 20s? (jgn jadi like ur friend sudah, dah 30+ lepas tu nak awek in 20s aja…=_=) a food muse, i see.. oooOhh..a muse replaced. hehe.

            i might be inworld later, see you when i see you.

            evariel

            February 21, 2011 at 1:01 am

            • Early-mid 20’s.

              Food muse, for nom nom nom. Hey, I got free coffee from you once when you’re a Barista. Why can’t I get a free gastronomic ecstasy with others :P

              I’ll buzz, if I’m around for a company around The Curve.

              cthulhu

              February 21, 2011 at 1:23 am


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