Hic Sunt Dracones

the smylere with the knyf under the cloke

Posts Tagged ‘nasopharyngeal cancer

Old Wound

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The Nyonya One

I bought a few bottle of homemade Baba Nyonya’s sambal udang at this restaurant near my office. They served authentic Portuguese dishes too — as far as I know, I never know much about Mediterranean cuisine.

I was hoping to give it to your mum this Tuesday. I never did visit your parent after I got back from offshore last December 2009. January and February were hectic too, as I’m outstation a lot (Singapore mostly). March seemed to be kind to me. Then again, I did try on that fateful December.

Reading your entry about your dad (chemotherapy for the nasopharyngeal cancer), ridden me with guilt — knowing that my absence for months being offshore was hard for you.

I was never there for you — to console and to hold you, to whisper that everything shall be alright.

It’s a void, ready to be filled.

I’m contemplating of visiting your dad, but after reading this entry — maybe I shouldn’t (and to bring a bottle of sambal udang would be astoundingly rude — because of the mouth ulcer).

Even if I did, I’ll be nothing more than an unwanted ghost of the past — and a phantom I should be.

+++

…He has severe attachment issues. Coping mechanism simply do not operate on an adult level, it is as though in his own mind, he can’t get past age six…

…At the very least, you could appreciate his conviction, even when it doesn’t reflect your own…
…We can revel in our past glories, but to relive them is unnecessary…
…Bitterness and blind faith, with a shot of guilt for catalyst…
…I stopped being an observer and become a witness. I’ve got the evidence… now where’s the court?…
…After the first couple of kicks, you don’t feel any pain, just thing breaking inside. Battered by abomination…
…I’m cold, chilled to the marrow.

Is that you Garth Ennis? Jamie Delano?

You make John Constantine (Hellblazer) chokes my own pitiful mind.

Now, should I listen to my conscience or succumb to my ego?

Written by cthulhu

March 15, 2010 at 1:38 am

Eclipse of the Soul

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I just got back from Singapore.

I missed a lot of thing during the span of the new year, even though I’ve been taking a day off from the very event that I’m scheduled to participate — yet job precedes ‘everything’, and the replacement leaves had been accumulating to hundred of days, exceeding 4 months.

I missed all the Steve McCurry workshop and talk last year (and the last 1st week of January 2010) due to my work.

I missed a couple of concert and art event, even though I’m just around Singapore at that time — can’t be away, since that would be MIA.

I missed the solar eclipse while I’m in Singapore — I didn’t bring my 5DM2 with me, due to excess baggage — the EPIRB (Emergency Position Indicating Radio Beacon) took half of my bag spaces.

I misses her — Sue.

Recent news of her dad is in a good light. He’s recuperating well. The malignant cancer receding.

I’m happy for her.

Then came the news of the accepted proposal from ‘Mr. Paint-Man’.

I’m…happy for her?

I’m at Miri offshore and Labuan onshore in the span of 3 months when we broke up. When she broke up with me with that text to my parent.

The reason: because I follow my ex-gf Twitter and the Flickr set of a virtual avatar with my ex-gf. Seriously, this is the first time social networking becomes a reason for a break-up to me.

When it comes to proposal, isn’t it my parent advice to both of us to wait for your dad condition to get better?

She did told me, she’s joining an art class while I’m away being offshore, but I’ve never thought it’s more than just canvas painting.

It’s all right to defend myself, she said but never once I’ve got the chance to meet up.

Then came the acerbic comments of her relatives and friends in the Facebook regarding me, which she finally deleted me from her list. What’s the story behind that bitterness?

I’ve revisited the spot, the gallery, the route, the eateries and the sanctum of our shared thought — the last one month after the Miri long project. I’ve never felt so distant when I’m just physically close to the shadow of that past.

It’s so kafkaesque.

That reminds me, she still has a copy of my Franz Kafka’s Metamorphosis and Marjane Satrapi’s Persepolis. Then again, she gave me a hard copy of Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet. Maybe that’s a good deal of books swap.

Just tonight, before I read her entry. I walk along the Sushi Restaurant that we used to go. It’s one of the first time we had a long conversation. I remember when she cried when I told her how I remain supportive of her — all those years when I got back from UK. That thought alone is the strongest, on how frail humanity are without their love one. Holding her hand is comforting — like a comforting thought of mutual adoration.

Those years back from UK, we’re just friend back then, with me having a whole lot more problem with my life: dad in IJN having a by-pass surgery, my working visa being refused by UK Immigration and Customs while I got a house and bills to settle back in UK, just going through another break-up and having a fresh start with life with cynicism while the family got loads of lawsuit from relatives due to the lion’s share of the late grandfather’s wealth.

Life is full with cynicism.

I’m content with my past ex-gf who helped me to gain my confidence back, to live life optimistically. Which is ironic, when I’m the one who’s usually being the good listener, and giving other people hope and motivation.

With Sue, I’m living a hope.

I finally got a full-frame sensor Canon Eos 5D Mk II, even though I’m just a hobbyist and she’s camera shy. She’s sweet like that :)

I make an appointment with property agent to buy a house nearby her area of work, once she quit that awful university in Gombak — actually the awful part is the administration and her She-Monster boss. I’ve never told her that, about the apartment or the house.

I would sell the L lenses to afford a decent wedding. I took the 3 month project with a heavy heart because I knew the offshore allowances could at least support me for the RM10k I needed for the wedding.

I talk to my newly-wed colleagues about the procedure and all those paperwork. Which I kept the small note inside my wallet as a reminder.

When she told me about her male Arabic (and the Russian) student who keep on nagging her with marriage proposal, it’s hard to tell her to be patient and wait for me to come back from offshore.

Then the news of her dad’s illness of nasopharyngeal cancer. Which my mum advised both of us, to wait till her dad’s better health before any marriage proposal to be made — when I’m somewhere near the platform in Miri.

Just a few weeks before I gone off to Miri, I’ve invited her to meet my parent for dinner.

There’s so much hope in that small gathering amongst my siblings and parent.

That hope still alight, but it just not with her.

I wish my ex(es) as well as former female best friends happiness and serenity and I believe that we part in good terms due to differences in thoughts and outlook in life.

Differences?

Oh yeah, different geography and art class.

I’m happy for her.

With only bitterness to myself.

+++

Alcest is playing Ciel Errant from the Souvenirs d’Un Autre Monde album in the background.

Sky wanderer from the memories of another world.

How apt, as I wallow in the distant world of sleepless night.

En ouvrant les yeux le matin
Aussitôt la peine m’emplit
Mais parfois je ne ressens rien
Ou juste le vif sentiment
De ne pas être d’ici…
J’aime alors contempler le ciel
Avoir l’impression de m’envoler
vers les nuages qui passent puis s’effacent
Dans le bleu d’une mer sans fin.

By opening the eyes in the morning
Immediately the pain fills me
But sometimes I feel nothing
Or just the great feeling
Not be here …
I love when contemplating the sky
The feeling of fly
to passing clouds then fade
In the blue of an endless sea.

+++

And for the record:

I never called Ebb or in contact with her since I dated you (Sue).

I don’t know who’s the one keep telling you lies about Ebb and me while I’m virtually incommunicado during offshore.

You (Sue) should know better.

Didn’t you experience the same state of erratic communication while I’m offshore for 6 months non-stop years back?

It’s only 3 months — and I promise to get back to you (Sue).

I got back — with discontent. Blaming my self, my job, my cynicism and my tolerance for patience for this failure.

Then I realised, what the effin’ for?

De gustibus, aut bene aut nihil.

+++

Note to self:

What with the shopping therapy dude?

New L lens, Manfrotto monopod, Lowepro bag, Leatherman knife, Maglite and Surefire led light, Braun Buffel leather ware(s), New Balance hiking shoe(s) and Salomon attire(s)?

Start saving for the new Core i5/i7 15″ MacBook Pro or the Apple iSlate or whatever Apple going to call the tablet PC is.

And more books for the library!

Your marriage to capitalism (and intellectual) is vital!

Deep down I’m crying inside…and so does my wallet.

Haiku Wednesday: Seven Horses Seem to Be on the Mark

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Malady comes to pass,
Darkness at bay,
Be strong as I pray thee well.

+++

Title inspiration from The Doors – Love Her Madly.

Heard this song on Business FM. Reminded me of Melaka during my teen, as the family having the usual night drive on a very warm night.

The cassette player (it’s the 90’s) seemed to play this track each time (by Jim Morrison providence!) as we reached the Portuguese community somewhere around Tanjung Kling.

Portuguese connection reminds me of Sue, and her late grandfather, Ian.

And then, it reminds me of her dad.

+++

Sue, I pray for your dad’s health (and yourself too).

I know you won’t answer any of my call (text or e-mail) anymore.

This is my last reply. I will not contact you any longer. The past is no longer relevant for me now as I’m already focusing on the horrible present and uncertain future.

I guess, this ‘proxy’ is suffice.

Be strong.

Yes, it’s horrible. It’s uncertain.

But be strong.

Written by cthulhu

December 23, 2009 at 3:03 am