Hic Sunt Dracones

the smylere with the knyf under the cloke

Posts Tagged ‘nostalgia

Sinar Mentari, Oh Korea

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Faux sakura trees and CNY red lantern taken outside Pavilion Kuala Lumpur, February 2010

Faux sakura trees and CNY red lantern taken outside Pavilion Kuala Lumpur, February 2010

Mentari Korea by Raja Ema, Malaysian theme song for Seoul 1988 Games of the XXIV Olympiad.

If there’s one song that’s pivotal in the 80’s — for me — it’s this song.

The tune has been alternating between the 65daysofstatic, Placebo and Kings of Convenience playlist — to warm up the upcoming concert in March 2010.

Nostalgic :)

Written by cthulhu

February 27, 2010 at 2:09 pm

Her Reasons for Separation and Rebuilding Trust

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“Do I want to continue marrying the same person who constantly makes me cry because he cannot forget his past lover and these are proven by his stalking activities on her and his continuous referral to her?” — Sue

It’s all started with that one comment:

“After a while you’ll forget everything, it was a brief interlude and a midsummer night’s fling and you’ll see that it’s time to move on…[Meat Loaf]” from my ex-gf “public” twitter. An Interlude inside the blind spot.

What I meant on that comment is I’ve to move on from the past entanglement. Funnily enough, it’s déjà vu all over again. I can see the pattern now. Sue would have a problem of me ‘stalkin’ Ebb and previously: Sewya with Amie, Ebb with Sewya, Sue with Ebb, Ms. Vava Voom with Sue…etc.

And so it’s true, it ended because of distrust:

The haunting of past memory — made anew — fueling the distrust, basking in its flame.

I’m sorry I can’t be more at a present in-real-life than what she found out about me from the internet alter-ego.

I’m always away — weeks and months. I can’t blame her. The twitter (retweet), flickr (MMO avatar set) and youtube (the small inscription at the profile) incident that she found out while I’m away justifies that much of the misunderstanding.

I took 3 days leave just to digest that one entry from her. I’m depressed. I can’t be at work desk, much less gone back to Singapore for the Aramco mob to Dubai.

I’ve been refraining myself from contacting her after that small warning from her fb last month, just after I touchdown KL from Miri.

I can’t sleep throughout the night. Yesterday, I can’t take it no more. I text her at dawn, told her how I felt. She replied passively in her blog entry. The same mode of reply after I try to reconnect the 3 month incommunicado.

Her reply summarized it all.

It’s time to delete her name from the speed dial, keeping her number still.

Take down her gift of the key chain bracelet with her name inscribed from the reading desk lamp. Her first gift that I always bring along with me whenever I gone outstation and offshore — the same goes with that “Paris Metro (Subway) System Map” (hehehe, she’s sweet, like that) and the Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet (the only author that we always cherished his works, pity that I can’t live the dream of The Prophet).

The rest, she already done emptying the vessel of this mortal heart in advance.

I compartmentalized the memories; the morning wishes, the evening sadness and the night kisses.

There’s always a bit of the memories of the past that make you sad or smile. We can revel in our past, but to relive them is unnecessary.

Take a deep breathe, and let it go.

I love you, Sue. I’m going to miss you, Miss 5S.

It’s late. For the past few days, I only got to sleep after dawn. Hopefully I can sleep before dawn today.

+++

He loves her more.

I’m happy for her.

verklempt.

+++

Something on Related Post: Rebuilding Shattered Trust

To begin the process of restoring trust, the offender must acknowledge the violation of trust and make a sincere apology. The five key components of an apology:

  1. A statement of apology (I’m sorry)
  2. Remorse (I feel badly)
  3. An offer of restitution (can I make up for it?)
  4. Self castigation (I was an idiot), and
  5. A request for forgiveness (can/will you forgive me)

Is there any hope for rebuilding shattered trust? Not for me — at this time.

Eclipse of the Soul

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I just got back from Singapore.

I missed a lot of thing during the span of the new year, even though I’ve been taking a day off from the very event that I’m scheduled to participate — yet job precedes ‘everything’, and the replacement leaves had been accumulating to hundred of days, exceeding 4 months.

I missed all the Steve McCurry workshop and talk last year (and the last 1st week of January 2010) due to my work.

I missed a couple of concert and art event, even though I’m just around Singapore at that time — can’t be away, since that would be MIA.

I missed the solar eclipse while I’m in Singapore — I didn’t bring my 5DM2 with me, due to excess baggage — the EPIRB (Emergency Position Indicating Radio Beacon) took half of my bag spaces.

I misses her — Sue.

Recent news of her dad is in a good light. He’s recuperating well. The malignant cancer receding.

I’m happy for her.

Then came the news of the accepted proposal from ‘Mr. Paint-Man’.

I’m…happy for her?

I’m at Miri offshore and Labuan onshore in the span of 3 months when we broke up. When she broke up with me with that text to my parent.

The reason: because I follow my ex-gf Twitter and the Flickr set of a virtual avatar with my ex-gf. Seriously, this is the first time social networking becomes a reason for a break-up to me.

When it comes to proposal, isn’t it my parent advice to both of us to wait for your dad condition to get better?

She did told me, she’s joining an art class while I’m away being offshore, but I’ve never thought it’s more than just canvas painting.

It’s all right to defend myself, she said but never once I’ve got the chance to meet up.

Then came the acerbic comments of her relatives and friends in the Facebook regarding me, which she finally deleted me from her list. What’s the story behind that bitterness?

I’ve revisited the spot, the gallery, the route, the eateries and the sanctum of our shared thought — the last one month after the Miri long project. I’ve never felt so distant when I’m just physically close to the shadow of that past.

It’s so kafkaesque.

That reminds me, she still has a copy of my Franz Kafka’s Metamorphosis and Marjane Satrapi’s Persepolis. Then again, she gave me a hard copy of Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet. Maybe that’s a good deal of books swap.

Just tonight, before I read her entry. I walk along the Sushi Restaurant that we used to go. It’s one of the first time we had a long conversation. I remember when she cried when I told her how I remain supportive of her — all those years when I got back from UK. That thought alone is the strongest, on how frail humanity are without their love one. Holding her hand is comforting — like a comforting thought of mutual adoration.

Those years back from UK, we’re just friend back then, with me having a whole lot more problem with my life: dad in IJN having a by-pass surgery, my working visa being refused by UK Immigration and Customs while I got a house and bills to settle back in UK, just going through another break-up and having a fresh start with life with cynicism while the family got loads of lawsuit from relatives due to the lion’s share of the late grandfather’s wealth.

Life is full with cynicism.

I’m content with my past ex-gf who helped me to gain my confidence back, to live life optimistically. Which is ironic, when I’m the one who’s usually being the good listener, and giving other people hope and motivation.

With Sue, I’m living a hope.

I finally got a full-frame sensor Canon Eos 5D Mk II, even though I’m just a hobbyist and she’s camera shy. She’s sweet like that :)

I make an appointment with property agent to buy a house nearby her area of work, once she quit that awful university in Gombak — actually the awful part is the administration and her She-Monster boss. I’ve never told her that, about the apartment or the house.

I would sell the L lenses to afford a decent wedding. I took the 3 month project with a heavy heart because I knew the offshore allowances could at least support me for the RM10k I needed for the wedding.

I talk to my newly-wed colleagues about the procedure and all those paperwork. Which I kept the small note inside my wallet as a reminder.

When she told me about her male Arabic (and the Russian) student who keep on nagging her with marriage proposal, it’s hard to tell her to be patient and wait for me to come back from offshore.

Then the news of her dad’s illness of nasopharyngeal cancer. Which my mum advised both of us, to wait till her dad’s better health before any marriage proposal to be made — when I’m somewhere near the platform in Miri.

Just a few weeks before I gone off to Miri, I’ve invited her to meet my parent for dinner.

There’s so much hope in that small gathering amongst my siblings and parent.

That hope still alight, but it just not with her.

I wish my ex(es) as well as former female best friends happiness and serenity and I believe that we part in good terms due to differences in thoughts and outlook in life.

Differences?

Oh yeah, different geography and art class.

I’m happy for her.

With only bitterness to myself.

+++

Alcest is playing Ciel Errant from the Souvenirs d’Un Autre Monde album in the background.

Sky wanderer from the memories of another world.

How apt, as I wallow in the distant world of sleepless night.

En ouvrant les yeux le matin
Aussitôt la peine m’emplit
Mais parfois je ne ressens rien
Ou juste le vif sentiment
De ne pas être d’ici…
J’aime alors contempler le ciel
Avoir l’impression de m’envoler
vers les nuages qui passent puis s’effacent
Dans le bleu d’une mer sans fin.

By opening the eyes in the morning
Immediately the pain fills me
But sometimes I feel nothing
Or just the great feeling
Not be here …
I love when contemplating the sky
The feeling of fly
to passing clouds then fade
In the blue of an endless sea.

+++

And for the record:

I never called Ebb or in contact with her since I dated you (Sue).

I don’t know who’s the one keep telling you lies about Ebb and me while I’m virtually incommunicado during offshore.

You (Sue) should know better.

Didn’t you experience the same state of erratic communication while I’m offshore for 6 months non-stop years back?

It’s only 3 months — and I promise to get back to you (Sue).

I got back — with discontent. Blaming my self, my job, my cynicism and my tolerance for patience for this failure.

Then I realised, what the effin’ for?

De gustibus, aut bene aut nihil.

+++

Note to self:

What with the shopping therapy dude?

New L lens, Manfrotto monopod, Lowepro bag, Leatherman knife, Maglite and Surefire led light, Braun Buffel leather ware(s), New Balance hiking shoe(s) and Salomon attire(s)?

Start saving for the new Core i5/i7 15″ MacBook Pro or the Apple iSlate or whatever Apple going to call the tablet PC is.

And more books for the library!

Your marriage to capitalism (and intellectual) is vital!

Deep down I’m crying inside…and so does my wallet.

Haiku Wednesday: Seven Horses Seem to Be on the Mark

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Malady comes to pass,
Darkness at bay,
Be strong as I pray thee well.

+++

Title inspiration from The Doors – Love Her Madly.

Heard this song on Business FM. Reminded me of Melaka during my teen, as the family having the usual night drive on a very warm night.

The cassette player (it’s the 90’s) seemed to play this track each time (by Jim Morrison providence!) as we reached the Portuguese community somewhere around Tanjung Kling.

Portuguese connection reminds me of Sue, and her late grandfather, Ian.

And then, it reminds me of her dad.

+++

Sue, I pray for your dad’s health (and yourself too).

I know you won’t answer any of my call (text or e-mail) anymore.

This is my last reply. I will not contact you any longer. The past is no longer relevant for me now as I’m already focusing on the horrible present and uncertain future.

I guess, this ‘proxy’ is suffice.

Be strong.

Yes, it’s horrible. It’s uncertain.

But be strong.

Written by cthulhu

December 23, 2009 at 3:03 am

How Facebook Released Me from the Fetter of My Own Inhibition — Closure

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The two of you, now in relationship

Zwei

Now that they’re officially in relationships – being a couple. I can now safely steer away from being complicated to single again.

Funny how social network makes more sense in the honest truth about courtship.

I can now have closure.

Singularity

Eins

I don’t think its coincidence the sudden pang of nostalgia when it rain last night.

I’m always fond of the rain. The drizzle is soothing to this fragile soul.

I’m out at wee hour, taking a ride with my roomie, not to accompany him, but rather to drive in the middle of the rain. I stayed inside the car, while the roomie going about his business. The windscreen echoed the blissful sound of the spattering rain. The light flickered under the wavy splash of deluge. I hummed to the sound of the radio in the background.

I continued the conversation with her through the wonder of mobile phone.

If we first met, the last 4 years ago, today. I would have the same monologue (almost) like this:

It’s already raining outside. Soon it poured.

I took my dad’s car key, went to the parked car at the porch, reclined the seat, and tuned to Light & Easy station. I’m listening to the dropping droplets of rain outside to the tune of the radio. I’m having a whale of a good time to myself, until my heart started to fonder to melody of romance ballad on the air wave. The sound bored into the neck of my neck instead of my ear. With bitterness, blind naivety, and with a shot of guilt for catalyst, the tune set me to the perpetual state of being pissed off. It’s the longest time before the ballad ended.

When they ask me how long
I’m gonna love you
If the road to my heart
Will always stay true
I’ll say forever

You know what Voltaire (1694–1778) the French writer and philosopher said?

The road to the heart is the ear.

I was rarely privy to the lyrics of the song I heard but after the first couple of kicks to my eardrums, it was battered by abomination. I google-ed for the song lyric and the artist and found out that Hall and Oates sang the “Forever for You” song.

But before that, here’s the irony amidst the falling rain outside the car. This tune proceeded just after the said song came into air.

Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain
Telling me just what a fool I’ve been
I wish that it would go and let me cry in vain
And let me be alone again

[The Cascades – Rhythm of the Rain]

The road to the heart is the ear but I rarely listen to my inner thought, thinking my gut have more nerve ending than the soft tissues inside my cranium. The rain told me just that, what a fool I’ve been. Now I’m cold, chilled to the marrow.

Light & Easy – Continuous Relaxing Favourites…what a mindfuck.

Oh, but she mindfuck me better than this, and that’s a compliment.

That’s actually a monologue, the past 4 years ago.

I’m just being a nostalgic fool.

The drowning man is not troubled by rain.

Closure.

+++

I lied.

When she asked me the question.

I had enough reflection of you cerebrally. I want to hold the stillness of your embrace.

Close.

Written by cthulhu

February 20, 2009 at 11:44 pm

Jedem das Seine

A little voice in my head, echoed a whisper. As I lay to sleep, in the darkness of space and the din of percussion and strings. The guys and gals, outside the room, relished the harmony of post-rock vibration.

Midnight already passed. The adjoining neighbour at the mercy of the Indie trio — although at the end, the music seemed to lull, than to roll. They were relishing their youthful days.

That little voice stirred, piercing the waning tune. It echoes of my youthful past with the Teesside Girl.

Last Saturday was the Teesside Girl’s wedding dinner. I’m invited, but chose not to go.

Since I got back from UK, it took us one year to get in contact with one another. Broken — as I eased myself with solitary life. And another one year to get to know each other again. Broken — yet again, as I’m a wee too late, to woo her back.

I felt like a child with a wreck heart in a wild abandon of fruitless adventure. Crying as he found the jewel, no more than a lesser stone.

I’m a little sad, but then it’s nothing. All will be in passing.

In the end, it’s a little lie just to make myself better.

+++

Near 2 am, *pat pat* the Neko consoled. A smile, etched on my face.

+++

“Thanks bro. See you when you come back. :-)” said the Teesside Girl this morning, as I congratulated her on her blissful wedding.

Bro?

Written by cthulhu

July 7, 2008 at 10:00 pm